~MelancholicDaydream

Sometimes you see an old face, remember an old memory that tinge of sadness attached to that memory may have jagged edges to prod and puncture the skin reopen old wounds and cause the listless night to draw to an unsatisfactory end. The curiousity of the cool night air nothing more than a discomfort and yet even in the most perfect sunny days the sky appears to be grey. To bare a smile that brings tears with it, are you happy or sad? do you lose yourself in the past or in the future or do you simply live for the moment? Do you wait for death? Waking every day, more melancholic than the last, impatience quickly settling and fermenting within your tampered soul? The truth is an onion. Every layer bringing a new understanding of life and more often than naught bringing a new unhappiness with it. Truth may be perception and that perception for me is a greater sense of discontentment. I notice though my eyes seem wiser they also seem duller and to hear one call me an untapped intellectual was oddly intoxicating and humorous all at once. There has to be meaning to these long hours awake left only with the echo of my own voice in my head whispering things I would rather have left unsaid. Precarious mind so full of restricted emotions ranging from pain to melancholy to anger to discontentment to hopelessness. What hides behind my flesh is ashen bones and weakened organs decaying slowly into nothingness as the clouds cover the sky and the stars fall to symbolize the one forgotten and lost for eternity

As I have sat here day after day yet again I have thought about nothing more than one person. My birthday approaches in ten days and yet I wish for nothing more than an end to all of this. I had yet again believed in the words of love that were whispered so sweetly into my ear and given my trust to that person as they asked for and in the end as is the case with most people they have abandoned me. I feel such a void inside of me. Such a sorrow that I swear my heart has been ripped out of my chest and I am left here without a pulse to stare dumbly at the remnants of that pulsating mass of organ. Having endured such a thing before I do not wish to endure something like this again. I truely believed I had found my life's partner. The opposite of me.. the completion of my partial equation and in the time that has passed since I first met her I have done my best to be something more than I was before yet remain me. I was a little more peaceful and calm and was beginning to remember how to smile again. I guess that happiness was supposed to be some sort of vacation from me because now its over that smile yet again lost and happiness is just a daydream. This is going to be my final deviantart post and maybe my last appearance anywhere. Im dead inside anyways and as poetically emo it may seem I would rather die having loved and lost than die for absolutely nothing. Its either that or let my natural bitter pessimistic malicious self take over and I'd rather die than become something like that again. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours and sincerely hope that you find a happiness beyond anything my small mind could ever dream up. You were all wondrous friends and you will be missed dearly but all things have an ending and im writing my own. goodbye

As I sit here week after week I push myself into the face of happiness and I give my false smile and false words cognizant of the melancholy that lingers within me. The lonliness, the sorrow, the memories that seem to haunt. It's as if the town itself can speak and should I step out into the world they will whisper into my ear to stir the memories I hide. I do my best to be strong. To be there for the one I love and give her happiness but I feel I have failed her in so many ways. When she needs me most it seems she doesnt turn to me or maybe Im just not there. All I want is for those I care about to be happy and live but such things are an impossibility and a contradiction and yet I continually selfishly wish for these things. My grandfather lies on his deathbed, the indifference lingers within his tired expression and dull lifeless eyes. I despise the outside world I want to destroy it and therein lies the irony and the malice I harbour. I know others have lost people important. I know people feel empty and feel they fail others. I am no different, yet I react on impulse. I stay in my house staring out the window shielded by panes of glass and plastc, my false security. As I look into the mirror I realize my eyes are as dull and lifeless as my grandfathers. I want to apologize to everyone that I have failed. and to my darling gf Jordan I love you and I'm sorry I'm not there enough. To my grandfather..I hope you find peace and solace in death. I dont know what to do with me except sit here and think. To wait for whatever intellect I have to be put to use or for the memories to consume me. The flesh will rot and leave the bone the bone will turn to dust and become nothing but the memories and regrets...They never fade

Another day passes an I sit here and I watched it snow for awhile and pondered life for a bit and I had to stop and ask can someone truely be happy when they have so much time to think? Is thinking really what makes a person miserable or maybe it's just me. Then that lead to me pondering on life and why I was still alive. I'm starting to wonder if it is me who is selfish for wanting to die or everyone else for holding me to a life that holds no meaning for me. Ive come to the realization my life is a joke and I've lost whatever passion or joy I had to be in it. I know I need to stop thinking and reflecting on the past or maybe I just need to get away from here but when I look around all I see is the past and the old memories of the people Ive lost. I dunno I'm tired I think it's time I rest maybe I'll get a good sleep

I found someone who took interest in me. Someone who seemed so genuine and true and understanding and for some reason beyond my understanding I opened my heart to her. I warmed up to the idea of falling in love again. and yet in a few days all wore thin and i found out she had not only one but two other men. What a shock to my world (dully notes sarcasm) yet again someone who claimed to love me and magically has another man. Am I some magnet for women with the tendency to have multiple men? I'm so tired of being open to the world. Tired of coming out of my black and white world to color and withdraw back into the shadows with tears in my eyes. All this world has to offer is pain and I'm tired of letting it have my heart